“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”: (translation)
We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”: (translation)
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE”: (translation)
…who still live with their parents and won’t mind our internship-level salaries.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”: (translation)
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up well. A couple of the really daring guys wear earrings.

“JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM”: (translation)
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”: (translation)
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”: (translation)
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”: (translation)
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”: (translation)
We have no quality control.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”: (translation)
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”: (translation)
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”: (translation)
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”: (translation)
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Responses to Want Ads

“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION”: (translation)
I’ve used Microsoft Office©.

“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES”: (translation)
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

“I’M PERSONABLE”: (translation)
I give lots of unsolicited advice to co-workers.

“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL”: (translation)
I carry a Day-Timer©.

“I AM ADAPTABLE”: (translation)
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I AM ON THE GO”: (translation)
I’m never at my desk.

“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED”: (translation)
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON”: (translation)
Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your form letter thanking me “for my interest, and wishing me luck in my future career.”